Hey lovely peeps.. As you will have seen, I have been feeding out little bits for my USA Promo visit in December. Some of you have been asking for a full itinerary. This will be available very soon but the exciting part is that there are people working behind the scenes dealing with more invitations to showcase my music, so that is what is keeping me revealing everything. My trip to the states is not a tour but a great opportunity to network for tours in the future. This is to showcase my music and also a chance for me to come face to face with places I feel connected too somehow. For instance.. Muscle Shoals will be one place I visit. The place of hit records, it’s very own sound, it’s very own spirit which I will explain more. If you haven’t watched the amazing documentary on it please do watch it.
This trip is also an exploration of my inner self. Traveling alone to the USA seems daunting but then I realise I have done it before so this shouldn’t be any different. It is very weird how your mind works when you travel alone. I’m a people watcher, I am that person who will just sit in an airport and watch people for hours, taking mental notes on behaviours and imagine what kind of life they have. I’m a curious being after all. I compare my own insecurites with strangers I meet, constantly wondering if they cope like me, strong like me, cry like me. I find it fascinating watching people from afar and playing out their lives in my head. I think this is escapism for me.
I spend most of my life with music and only last night I was chatting with my partner about this very thing. I realised that I don’t have a life outside music. Of course I have my children and grandchildren, friends and aquaintances but I sometimes wonder, just like I do when i see strangers what kind of life I would have without music and I’m sure my family have asked themselves that question many times as I have had over the years “your music means more than me”. I should be ashamed to say YES your right but music to me is the breath I am able to breathe on each new day. Without it I would never have coped with depression and I honestly believe I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for my music. Now I never profess to be amazing, I leave that up to all of you lol. In fact my own demons of self doubt and questioning my talent can be crippling, self destructive and just a downright pain in the ass. Only recently i realised that I become so manic in situations that throw me out of my comfort zone that my behaviour escalates to almost insanity and sometimes the shock of others. I have realised that by needing music to survive it has actually cut me off from a normal life, sometimes I could go weeks before I have a conversation with anyone outside my immediate circle. I live my life through you all, I spend god knows how much time on social media because it is my window to the world from a very small island that costs a fortune to get anywhere and we all know that being a musician doesn’t pay well all the time.
So why am I telling you this, why am I opening my heart and showing my insecurites, telling you what makes me tick? And why would you even be interested? DISCOVERY is the answer, we all want it, we are all curious…….I am challenging myself to discover how I can learn more, experience more. This trip is just that. People have faith in me therefore I should have faith in myself and this I struggle with as most artists do. People love me but do I love myself enough to believe that I deserve the chances given to me? Why do I get these opportunites and others don’t? I remember having the opposite thoughts on the latter most of my life lol. So many questions go round in my head daily, probably to obsessive levels. “But I’ve worked so hard for this” is my justifaction for great things that happen but who doesn’t work hard in music?..Those demons at play all the time are what I want to confront. I want to challenge myself, be the case study and document exactly what it is about music that makes me not have a life outside it. Oh I’m probably not making sense to any of you, hell I don’t make sense to myself, but isn’t this what being human is? Laying ourselves out for the world to judge and in todays social climate its a Facebook post that fills the need to talk to someone so thank you for listening lol.
So my USA trip is not just to perform my songs, it will be, I’m hoping a new perspective on me as an artist and my music. I have been so safe and secure with my band and my partner who are my rock, they know me inside out, they know my weakness and also my strengths, probably even more than I know myself. Most of all I want new perspective as a human being. I want to explore why my songs appeal to people and why songs appeal to me, I want to know the stories of peoples lives instead of sitting in airports or looking out at my audience imagining what your life is like. This exploration is a little frightening if I’m honest but I feel I have to do it. I know this will make me stronger as an artist by putting myself out to a whole new audience that don’t know me but people believe in me so it will be big girl panties time. I know I will learn so much from this trip which is why I will be recording video diaries morning and night everyday to bring home and hopefully share with you and of course to watch my own journey back again.
I am always so very thankful for everything that has happening to me because of music and I have always tried to give back something for it saving my life. I am so thankful to everyone who is making this trip happen for me. Lucy Piller has been such an inspiration, Fate has brought her to me so I must have done something right for she believes in me so much and again it’s thanks to music for bringing people into my life. For MUSCLE SHOALS RADIO to help give me the opportunity to visit that place that music comes from the river, that I will perhaps get to understand more why I am inspired by the music that came from a place where a man built a wall for over 30 years to honour his Indian great great grandmother who walked for 5 years to return to the river that sang to her. Just like my own questions I found this striking quote about this story and I feel a strange connection to that wall.
“The wall does not belong to you, Brother Tom. It belongs to all people. You are just the keeper. I will tell you that it is wichahpi, which means ‘like the stars’. When they come, some will ask, ‘Why does it bend, and why is it higher and wider in some places than in others?’ Tell them it is like your great-great-grandmother’s journey, and their journey through life–it is never straight.”
I hope you enjoyed my little blog piece on my upcoming trip to Atlanta, Alabama & recently added Missouri.. In a few weeks I make that journey. I want to experience every moment as if it’s my last because I am so lucky to have this talent, lucky to be alive and lucky to be loved.
All my love…..a thankful Kaz x